Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
