she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
im about as happy as oj after his trial
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Randomize
