Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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