Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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