We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
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