Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
