i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
It's shark week go big or go home
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
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