I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
