Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
They should really pass out barf bags in church
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
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