I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
