The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
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