she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
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