Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Randomize
