just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Randomize
