I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Randomize
