i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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