im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
