I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
Randomize
