): 100 percent naked, unless you count a tiara as clothing.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
