awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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