Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
