Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
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