i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
i came on her dog
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Randomize
