My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Randomize
