Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Green mimosas i think yes
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Randomize
