I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
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