The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
