I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
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