He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
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