if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
