Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Randomize
