I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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