I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
it actually wasnt that awkward...i planned on saying hello and walking away..then she asked if i wanted to go to lunch and i looked at her chest and said absolutely
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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