So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
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