so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
