the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
I'm always down for nudity.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
