your profile still reads that you like women...interesting? I think there is some photography and video that will show otherwise
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
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