TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Randomize
