please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Randomize
