you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
Randomize
