Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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