Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
This house was built for laser tag.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Randomize
