Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
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