Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
