i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Your cock deserves a montage
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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