i just went dwnstairs and there are 5 guys without their shirts on hugging each other. i think i should leave now
I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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