i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
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