He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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