Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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