did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
You need a sexual gate keeper
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
Randomize
