On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
have fun at tinkers! p.s. are there any hot guys who look like they wanna wait until marriage to have sex?
they just started talking about wanting to bang stephanie tanner from full house
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
