so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
