Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
Randomize
